Spring 2021 - The Problem With Fine
Hey...how are you doing...no really???
Last week was Mental Health Awareness Week, which got me thinking about my own mental health as we keep slogging our way through this pandemic.
How many times have you been asked how you are doing and your autopilot response drive kicks in and you respond “fine”.
When really, inside we aren’t.
It’s time we start being real and stop hiding behind being fine.
Recently I decided, going forward, when someone asks how I am doing, I’m no longer going to lie outright. I do admit, I don’t always feel like getting into it in detail (which I now specify), but if I am not ‘good’ or ‘fine’ I’m actually going to say so. Interestingly, I was taken aback by the initial reaction I got from this shift. I wasn’t sure if it was because people were genuinely surprised I wasn’t doing well, or just not used to the honesty. I’m pretty sure it was the latter. Either way, as someone who plays many roles - a friend, a daughter, a sister, a mother, and a health care provider, I am deeply unsettled by either of these two options. We are over a year into a wildly challenging experience, there would be no way for us all to be doing ‘well’. In my opinion, naming it and being present with our reality, is so important to navigating this phase of the pandemic.
Psychologist and author, Adam Grant, recently wrote an article in the New York Times There’s a Name for the Blah You’re Feeling - where he named this feeling - Languishing. As Grant wrote, “languishing is a sense of stagnation and emptiness. It feels as if you’re muddling through your days, looking at your life through a foggy windshield. And it might be the dominant emotion of 2021.”
Another (albeit slightly silly) revelation I had recently, was that I was not immune to the statistics. Kids struggling significantly, burned out parents, women feeling forced to step back from their careers, social isolation having real effects on mental and physical health, and more. It was actually right there, in my own life, and that of my neighbours, my friends, and my family. I don’t think I realistically thought I would be spared, but it took time for me to connect that what I was hearing about in the news, or reading about in studies, (and hearing from countless patients) was echoing in my own life too. It was {is} all real, no longer theoretical, and it was {is} no joke.
Typically, as many of you know, I am a very solutions-oriented person, and that still applies today. Problem solving remains one of my primary jobs as a naturopathic doctor. However, this time, I am compelled towards another approach. I’m personally practicing sitting in the chaos, the discomfort, and the uncertainty of it all. I’m not universally rushing through, but staying in the darkness a little. Instead of rolling up my sleeves, and getting to work fixing, I am pausing, and slowing down, even for a moment. And it has been very powerful.
None of us will be left unaffected by the far reaching physical, mental, and socioeconomic havoc, loss, and grief this pandemic has inflicted . It is pervasive. As I have said before, while we are ‘in this together’ we are increasingly touched in our own unique ways. Many of us are also dealing with the very human urge towards ‘comparative suffering’, or ‘survivor guilt’ (i.e. how can I complain when it could be so much worse…). Sometimes this means we haven’t truly acknowledged how we ourselves are doing.
So, what would you authentically say if I asked: How are YOU doing?
My goal for reaching out today is to encourage real conversations, urge you all to look inwards at yourselves, and remind you to feel your very own feelings. That is at least what I’ll be working on. So I encourage you to acknowledge where you yourself are at, pause, reflect, notice. Even briefly, and every so often, before getting lost in the overwhelm, or the languishing.
Moving Through the Languishing
Finally, when you do feel ready, antidotes to some of what you might be experiencing include:
Name what you are feeling. Sometimes even that alone will be beneficial. This can be in conversation with family, friends, colleagues, or health care professionals.
Do one small thing differently to shake things up. Ideas from my chats with patients include: giving up on homeschooling in the afternoons, or convincing your kids to go on walks where they used to refuse. Or try leaving the dishes until morning if you are just too spent at the end of the day, or work in a different corner of your home than you ever did before. You can consider starting a 5 min meditation practice, or drink a big glass of water before your first cup of caffeine. Anything to shift your paradigm even slightly, move your Qi, and light you back up for the remainder of this leg of the journey.
Try a Productivity hack. I have been introduced to the Pomodoro technique which has helped me tremendously when my focus is low. This is where you pick one task, set a 25 min timer, and only focus on this task until the time is up (no multitasking, no getting sucked down a social media rabbit hole). After you finish, take a 5 min break and choose to do another, or move on to another task. Try it!
Nourish your Mind and Body. Our mood, energy, focus, and passion is at an all time low. Hydration, nutrient dense food, exercise, and mindfulness can all help on this front. As can some adaptogenic herbs, acupuncture, B vitamins, and counselling. Let’s chat if you have hit your wall (or are getting close).
Book a session HERE.
We have so few anchors to our days and months and seasons without commuting, marking holidays and special occasions, or the myriad of disruptions in our lives due to the pandemic. A little surrender, pause and reflection, and a few extra tools and perspectives can be just the thing to manage this time. You are not alone